itamaram

On Convincing My Parents of My Mainstream Sexual Orientation

October 1, 2009 on 9:26 pm | In Kumara | | itamaram

Itamar Amith

Department of Computer Science,

University of Auckland

Email: iami001@aucklanduni.ac.nz

Phone (or txt): 021 1105912

Keywords: goatse, abelian grape, mafia wars, chicken, pie, abecedarian

About Ongoing Research:

If you are interested in becoming part of the field study concerning the proceeding paper, please get in contact with the author, details above. Men and horses need not apply.

Introduction

This paper examines a common problem among certain socially deprived males: in that their parents suspect that they might be of the homosexual persuasion, as their social niche consists almost entirely of males. The obvious solution, of course, is to present a counter-example to the argument, most commonly in the form of a girlfriend (alternatives, such as various inflatables, have been vetoed). The issue is that due to their limited social circle, finding a suitable candidate is a non-trivial task. Current experiments [LE37, NO00] have shown that there exists a small finite set of available options in the close vicinity of said males, which can be characterized by the following 2 examples:

[Image 1]

[Image 2]

As those are obviously non-optimal choices, we must first extend the pool of possible selections from which a girlfriend can be picked. We introduce a new method to handle this issue.

Background

As this problem is very broad, we are restricting the study to a single individual: the author. In order to fully illustrate our study, we will now describe the individual. The individual is a Masters student currently studying computer science. Many true and accurate inferences can now be made on the individuals’ hobbies and areas of interest. Instead of describing the individuals’ genetic heritage in detail, refer to the photo above, or conduct your own research. A crucial article, which is usually ignored by other colleagues, is that the individual is the tender young age of 20.

The individual is looking for a member of the opposite sex – who is also of mainstream sexual orientation – and appreciates socializing via Facebook more so than face-to-face interaction. Initiative taking is also a desired quality as the author is a perfect example of Newton’s first law of motion, and will stay stationary unless a force is applied.

Method

While it is a popular belief that the author should look for a girl in his natural habitat, that being the Internet, there are several issues with such a task, the most noticeable of which being that identifying a person’s gender online as a female is a test often resulting in a false positive. The author of this paper instead proposes a new method, to aid in his pursuit to convince his parents of his mainstream sexual orientation.

The method follows:

Place an article in a popular magazine such as Craccum, proposing the terms of an agreement within which they can enter; see Table 1.

· Make the contact details of the individual publicly available. As the author of this article is the individual in question, these are available at the start of this article.

· Allocate another person, and do not publish their details. This will be the control group.

· Compare the results after a predetermined period of time. If the individual does not succeed in acquiring a girlfriend within that period, reevaluate the method and publish another paper. If the individual does succeed in acquiring a girlfriend, publish a paper on how successful the method is.

· Repeat if necessary.

Author’s Benefits	Partner’s Benefits
Parents are reassured of his mainstream sexual orientation.	Gets a free lunch or dinner, at semi-regular intervals.
Additional benefits can be discussed, and will be considered in future studies.

Table 1

We use the formula calculated in author’s previous work [XX69], to return a predicted value of success of 78% [Formula 1]

Formula 1: Predicted likelihood of success.

Conclusion

This paper has demonstrated a revolutionary new method for solving the ongoing problem of reaffirming others of your mainstream sexual orientation. Hopefully, the goal set in this article will be met for our case study.

Future Work

Assuming this paper provokes enough response from the target audience – that being females – we can extend our research into further work on sifting through a set in order to optimize the mutual benefit for both parties in a pairing. Assuming the method is successful, additional work might also be needed in the field of maintaining a relationship.

Bibliography

[LE37] Chloroform – friend or foe?

[NO00] On attracting girls by staying out of their way

[XX69] Mainstream sexual orientation for dummies

[PE57] “Some Unsolved Problems” - Paul Erdos