Life Outside PLT1

VIDEO GAMES - Only the negatives

Well ok, let me just state for the record that I play a pretty fair amount of video games. The good points of newer games is easy to find out because let’s face it – the way hype spreads throughout the internet can be mind boggling even when you take advertising out of the equation (which it hardly ever is).
As a service to everyone, i’m gonna go ahead and list a bunch of the games i’ve played this year and give a quick summary of the bad points about the games you may not have heard about or have had explained to you in detail.

In Alphabetical order:

Avalon Heroes:
• The voice acting sucks,
• Spelling, grammatical and language syntax errors everywhere indicate the development team is lacking an English proof reader,
• Poor localisation of servers leading to latency problems and language barriers,
• Match finding system is primitive and leaves you at the mercy of team “leaders” who might kick you because you’re not German/Turkish/Brazilian/level 999.

Clive Barker’s Jericho:
• No multiplayer,
• Horror element is extremely downplayed – I was hardly scared by any point in the game,
• Ending easily ranks among the top 10 most disappointing video game endings of all time,
• QTEs are annoying – this is not game specific; they are annoying in every game that has them.

Dragon Age Origins:
• Character models lack polish,
• Buggy engine randomly causes problems with loading times, CPU utilisation and in-game performance,
• No voice acting for player character.

Dragon Age Origins: Awakening:
• Game too short.
• Dialogue is poorly written in some places.

Heroes of Newerth:
• This game is pretty much the poster child of the rating office phrase “Gaming experience may change online” (NERD RAGE);
• The game is pretty close to a letter-for-letter DOTA: Allstars clone so it suffers from the classic fault that is inherent to the specific title – the game is significantly less fun if you’re not winning (NERD RAGE).

League of Legends:
• Rune system is extremely grindy,
• Importance of team composition makes solo-queue play frustrating at times,
• Gameplay imbalances,
• Choice of graphic and art style produces problems with visual clutter.

LOCO:
• Unintuitive inventory system,
• Account levelling and item collection is extremely grindy,
• Gameplay is shallow and not balanced.

Mass Effect 2:
• Storyline slows down completely around the middle which feels like nothing but poorly related sidequests,
• Plot is not very engaging – few emotional moments and connection between missions,
• Combat lacks difficulty while some boss fights are designed to be as annoying as possible.

Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty:
• Enforced online latency lowers playability for players outside server locales;
• Forced online multiplayer due to no LAN support,
• Without an ever-present anchoring point to the storyline the single player is at serious risk of feeling like nothing but poorly related side quests.

World of Warcraft:
• Graphical bugs and clipping problems that have existed since first release still exist,
• Endgame content encourages powergaming,
• Latency issues resulting from poor optimisation,
• Game is very difficult to stop playing (much like a psychological experiment where a lab rat is given a button that only sometimes releases a food pellet – the rat is compelled to keep pressing the button even when he isn’t hungry).

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Now here’s a story from back when I was 5 years old.

I was at a sporting field at the time with my friend Marvin, it was a clear and warm day so naturally we were throwing rocks at each other, a pebble of mine struck Marvin on the head which amused Wang who quipped “man, you just shot Marvin in the face” I didn’t know what the hell he meant though, nor did it make sense in any context now that I think about it – it was 1991, Pulp Fiction hadn’t even come out at that time.

Wang was an old man that hung around the park alot, he was an elderly asian gentleman with a slight moustache and over his normal-people clothes he wore a dark-blue jacket with metal shoulder pads on the exterior of it, nobody really knew who he was or where he came from but the adults seemed to trust him so I never thought much of it.
Anyways, back to the story – As Marvin brushed off his cheek and looked back at me while preparing his shot, the sky darkened. Everyone stopped mid-play and looked to the sky – we saw a smoking vehicle catapaulting itself over the horizon, it wasn’t until it drifted closer that we saw what it was – a penis-shaped shuttle – and it was falling out of the sky.

The penis-shaped shuttle crash-landed at the far side of the field with momentum, dragging an earthy brown mess across the grassy field before the penis-shaped shuttle disappeared behind it’s own smoke I stared into the cockpit and I saw Wang, but not our Wang; this one didn’t have a moustache – I guess he was younger. Old Wang rushed over to the crash site and took off his jacket, fanning the smouldering wreckage he parted the smoke and the broken, crawling figure of young Wang emerged; old wang rushed over yelling nonsense and young Wang frantically took his hand with a bloodied one of his own, looked old Wang in his eye and intejected “YOU HAVE TO GO BACK – TO THE FUTURE.”

BREAKING THE COMBO

Well fuck, my inactive WoW account got hacked. Good news though, recovering everything seems to be within reach and as an added bonus, blizzard support sent me emails for each character restoration which combined makes a comprehensive list of every vendorable item and gold amount i’d accumulated and more:

Money Restored: 11,041g 16s 92c

Item(s) Restored:
Arcane Loops of Anger
Baby Spice x45
Band of the Invoker
Barrelhead Goby x5
Battlecast Hood
Battlecast Pants
Bolt of Imbued Frostweave x130
Bonescale Snapper x4
Bracer of Worn Molars
Braid of Salt and Fire
Champion’s Seal x40
Circle of Arcane Streams
Conqueror’s Deathbringer Gloves
Conqueror’s Deathbringer Hood
Conqueror’s Deathbringer Leggings
Conqueror’s Deathbringer Robe
Crystallized Life x4
Dalaran Cooking Award x64
Deathchill Cloak
Deep Sea Monsterbelly x6
Destruction Potion
Dragonfin Angelfish x20
Ebon Shadowbag
Elixir of Draenic Wisdom x7
Elixir of Water Walking x20
Emblem of Conquest x18
Emblem of Frost x83
Emblem of Triumph x138
Engraved Gargoyle Femur
Evoker’s Charm
Forge Ember
Frozen Shadoweave Boots
Frozen Shadoweave Robe
Frozen Shadoweave Shoulders
Glacial Salmon x9
Glow Worm x16
Gul’dan’s Gloves of Conquest
Gul’dan’s Hood of Conquest
Gul’dan’s Leggings of Conquest
Gul’dan’s Robe of Conquest
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x17
Iceweb Spider Silk x24
Imbued Netherweave Bag
Jeweled Fishing Pole
Lightbane Focus
Lovely Purple Dress
Magic Eater x11
Musselback Sculpin x4
Nettlefish x39
Old Spices x65
Pauldrons of Catastrophic Emanation
Plush Sash of Guzbah
Polished Dragonslayer’s Signet
Prelate’s Snowshoes
Primal Life x8
Primal Mana x2
Primal Nether x9
Primal Water x9
Red Winter Hat
Runed Titanium Rod
Runic Mana Injector x20
Savory Deviate Delight x13
Seethe
Shard of the Crystal Heart
Sharpened Fish Hook x29
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soul Shard
Soulsplinter
Stormchops x2
Sundial of the Exiled
Tabard of the Scarlet Crusade
Titan-Forged Hood of Dominance
Titan-Forged Rune of Accuracy
Titan-Forged Slippers of Dominance
Valorous Plagueheart Gloves
Valorous Plagueheart Robe
Valorous Plagueheart Shoulderpads
Violet Badge
Voidheart Crown
Voidheart Gloves
Volde’s Cloak of the Night Sky
Weather-Beaten Fishing Hat

Money Restored:

Item(s) Restored:
Arakkoa Divining Rod
Arakkoa Sage’s Shawl
Auslese’s Light Channeler
Buzzard Bites x2
Chilled Meat
Crystal Citrine Necklace
Deadly Borer Leggings
Dragon Stabler’s Gauntlets
Dreaming Glory x11
Elixir of Draenic Wisdom x15
Elixir of Healing Power x13
Fel Lotus x7
Felweed x25
Flame Cap x3
Frostweave Cloth x20
Glyph of Power Word: Shield
Guild Tabard
Imbued Vial x4
Keeper’s Ring of Piety
Key of Time
Khadgar’s Kilt of Abjuration
Mad Alchemist’s Potion x8
Marsh Bracers
Mindfire Waistband
Mote of Life x8
Necklace of Bloodied Feathers
Necklace of Calm Skies
Netherbloom x16
Netherweave Cloth x13
Nightmare Vine x3
Philosopher’s Stone
Pungent Seal Whey x33
Ragveil x8
Red Pointy Hat
Sandals of Broken Dreams
Scroll of Intellect VI x4
Sleeveless T-Shirt
Sun Rock Ring
Super Healing Potion x10
Super Mana Potion x4
Tempest’s Touch
Terocone x22
Unearthed Enkaat Wand
Unidentified Plant Parts x2
Worg Haunch x4
Wraps of the San’layn

Money Restored: 2,806g 92s 48c

Item(s) Restored:
Accursed Crawling Cape
Ancient Pendant of Arathor
Arcanum of Torment
Azure Moonstone x20
Baby Spice x4
Band of Stained Souls
Barbed Ymirheim Choker
Blade of the Empty Void
Blood Garnet x10
Blood Weeper
Blood Weeper
Boots of the Neverending Path
Chewed Leather Wristguards
Clefthoof Britches
Dalaran Cooking Award x15
Dawnstone x6
Deadly Poison IX x26
Deep Peridot x19
Dense Stone x100
Drakkari Offerings x39
Emblem of Frost x69
Emblem of Triumph x130
Felglacier Bolter
Flame Spessarite x19
Flayer’s Black Belt
Frostweave Cloth x27
Frozen Orb x14
Gnomish Army Knife
Gold Bar x11
Gold Ore x3
Golden Draenite x10
Greenhealer’s Garb
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x18
Heavy Leather x10
Hemorrhaging Circle
Incisor Fragment
Instant Poison IX x6
Iron Bar x6
Iron Ore x15
Krick’s Beetle Stabber
Krick’s Beetle Stabber
Liar’s Tongue
Living Ruby x9
Mageweave Bag
Mammoth Meal x8
Medium Leather x14
Meteorite Whetstone
Mithril Ore x66
Netherweave Cloth x137
Nightseye x15
Nighttime
Noble Topaz x16
Northern Stew x5
Old Spices x9
Papa’s Brand New Knife
Relic of Ulduar x260
Rhino Dogs x6
Ring of Scarlet Shadows
Roasted Worg x2
Rugged Leather x20
Runic Healing Potion x13
Runic Mana Potion x6
Seven-Fingered Claws
Shadow Draenite x13
Shaggy Wyrmleather Leggings
Shocking Claws
Silithid Chitin x20
Silver Ore x6
Sleeveless T-Shirt
Sphere of Red Dragon’s Blood
Star of Elune x13
Talasite x14
Thick Leather x20
Thistle Tea x10
Thorium Ore
Truesilver Bar x15
Truesilver Ore x20
Unsharpened Ice Razor
Vengeance of the Forsaken
Vrykul Bones x122
Worm Delight x20
Wound Poison VII x20

Money Restored: 3,753g 4s 71c

Item(s) Restored:
Arcane-Shielded Helm
Band of Stained Souls
Black Icicle
Borean Armor Kit x5
Borean Leather x7
Bracers of the Herald
Chunk o’ Mammoth x4
Cloak of the Enemy
Crashin’ Thrashin’ Racer Controller
Crescent of Brooding Fury
Crusader’s Locket
Crystal Infused Leather x2
Dabiri’s Enigma
Deviate Scale x12
Drakkari Offerings x49
Dream Shard x2
Emblem of Conquest x3
Emblem of Frost x61
Emblem of Triumph x32
Eternal Earth
Fel Hide
Fel Scales x7
Frost Wyrm Ribcage
Frostweave Cloth x17
Frozen Orb x27
Garfrost’s Two-Ton Hammer
Girdle of the Pallid Knight
Hallowed Helm
Hate-Forged Cleaver
Hate-Forged Cleaver
Heavy Borean Leather x40
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x15
Icebound Bronze Cuirass
Icy Dragonscale x63
Infinite Dust x7
Jormungar Scale x57
Keystone Great-Ring
Knothide Leather x17
Kurzel’s Warband
Legplates of Relentless Onslaught
Mead Basted Caribou x3
Meteorite Whetstone
Murkblood Avenger’s Legplates
Needle-Encrusted Scorpion
Nerubian Chitin x41
Nighttime
Nighttime
Orange Martial Shirt
Plated Greaves of Providence
Plated Saronite Bracers
Reaper of Dark Souls
Regal Aurous Shoulderplates
Relic of Ulduar x60
Rimefang’s Claw
Rimefang’s Claw
Ring of Scarlet Shadows
Rugged Armor Kit x20
Runic Healing Potion x7
Sabatons of Draconic Vigor
Savage Saronite Legplates
Savage Saronite Pauldrons
Savage Saronite Skullshield
Scourgelord’s Frigid Chestplate
Shoulderplates of Frozen Blood
Skinning Knife
Solid Platinum Band
Soul Harvester’s Charm
Special Issue Legplates
Sphere of Red Dragon’s Blood
Super Healing Potion x30
Tapestry of the Frozen Throne
Tempered Saronite Bracers
The Warlord’s Depravity
Thick Clefthoof Leather x4
Titansteel Bonecrusher
Twilight Opal
Tyrannical Beheader
Vambraces of Unholy Command
Vrykul Bones x163
Weeping Gauntlets

Money Restored: 1,064g 29s 48c

Item(s) Restored:
Abomination Shoulderblades
Adamantite Ore x6
Amulet of the Torn-heart
Ancient Pendant of Arathor
Armbands of the Construct
Band of Frosted Thorns
Belt of the Iron Servant
Black Spire Sabatons
Blackened Ghoul Skin Leggings
Bolstered Legplates
Bracers of the Smothering Inferno
Breastplate of the Afterlife
Breastplate of the Righteous
Champion’s Seal x80
Chestplate of Titanic Fury
Cobalt Ore x28
Crystallized Air x6
Crystallized Earth x8
Crystallized Fire x8
Crystallized Shadow x3
Deathforged Legplates
Deflection Band
Don Carlos’ Famous Hat
Drakescale Collar
Elixir of Major Fortitude x7
Elixir of Mastery x3
Emblem of Conquest x99
Emblem of Frost x62
Emblem of Heroism x8
Emblem of Triumph x107
Eternal Fire x6
Eternium Ore
Falric’s Wrist-Chopper
Firestrider Chestguard
Flame-Bathed Steel Girdle
Frostblight Pauldrons
Frostweave Cloth x5
Frozen Orb x14
Furnace Stone
Ghoul Commander’s Cuirass
Gloves of the Dark Exile
Greaves of the Lingering Vortex
Hammer Pick
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x20
Helm of Purified Thoughts
Icebane Chestguard
Icebane Girdle
Icebane Treads
Ick’s Rotting Thumb
Incisor Fragment
Judgement Cover
Justice Bearer’s Pauldrons
Khorium Ore x5
Legacy of Thunder
Leggings of Innumerable Barbs
Leggings of the Snowy Bramble
Legplates of the Righteous
Libram of Furious Blows
Libram of Souls Redeemed
Mana Potion Injector x20
Mariel’s Sorrow
Mark of the Relentless
Mark of the Unyielding
Marrowgar’s Scratching Choker
Mask of Penance
Neverending Winter
Orange Martial Shirt
Orca-Hunter’s Harpoon
Pauldrons of the Souleater
Phoenix-fire Band
Piccolo of the Flaming Fire
Plated Greaves of Providence
Power Enhancing Loop
Relic of Ulduar x7
Rimefang’s Claw
Royal Crest of Lordaeron
Runic Healing Potion
Runic Mana Injector x35
Runic Mana Potion x8
Rusty Frozen Fingerguards
Sabatons of the Iron Watcher
Saronite Gargoyle Cloak
Saronite Ore x10
Saronite Swordbreakers
Seal of the Pantheon
Second Helm of the Executioner
Sentinel’s Winter Cloak
Shard of the Virtuous
Shieldwall of the Breaker
Shoulderplates of Bloodshed
Signet of Hopeful Light
Snapper Extreme x33
Sparkling Frostcap x16
Spaulders of the Righteous
Spiked Titansteel Helm
Staggering Legplates
Stoneguard
Stormherald
Symbol of Divinity x4
Symbol of Kings x130
Symbol of Redemption
Tainted Girdle of Mending
Tears of the Vanquished
The Black Heart
The Skull of Ruin
Titanium Earthguard Ring
Titanium Frostguard Ring
Titanium Ore x16
Titanium Spellshock Ring
Titansteel Bar x10
Verdigris Chain Belt
Violet Badge
Waistguard of the Tutor
Wispcloak

Money Restored: 1,261g 33s 66c

Item(s) Restored:
Apprentice’s Shirt
Arcane Powder x86
Autumn’s Glow x13
Bloodstone x29
Bridenbrad’s Sash
Bronze Bar x14
Bronze Setting x17
Celestial Ink x12
Charged Wand of the Cleft
Choker of Betrayal
Citrine x6
Cloak of Crimson Snow
Cloak of Frozen Spirits
Dalaran Jewelcrafter’s Token x13
Dark Jade
Darkflame Ink x2
Dawnstar Ink x10
Dense Stone x16
Dusky Pigment
Engraved Truesilver Ring
Faces of Doom
Fiery Ink x3
Figurine - Sapphire Owl
Figurine - Twilight Serpent
Flask of Mojo x16
Forest Emerald x17
Frostsavage Belt
Frostsavage Boots
Frostsavage Bracers
Frostsavage Cowl
Frostsavage Gloves
Frostsavage Leggings
Frostweave Bandage x14
Frostweave Cloth x9
Frozen Orb
Glyph of Avenging Wrath x2
Glyph of Fire Elemental Totem
Gold Bar x2
Gold Ore x5
Hat of Wintry Doom
Highseas Wristwraps
Huge Citrine x20
Icy Pigment
Imbued Vial x4
Incursion Vestments
Ink of the Sea x43
Ink of the Sky x9
Iron Bar x3
Jadefire Ink x3
Jeweler’s Kit
Kilix’s Silk Slippers
Kurzel’s Angst
Lion’s Ink x20
Mageweave Bag
Mageweave Cloth x40
Mana Potion Injector x20
Medallion of Grand Marshal Morris
Monarch Topaz x18
Moonglow Ink x32
Northsea Pearl
Obsidian Warbeads x22
Ring of Decimation
Robe of the Crimson Order
Rune of Portals x20
Runecaster’s Mantle
Runecloth x80
Runic Healing Potion x5
Runic Mana Potion x10
Scarlet Ruby x15
Scroll of Agility VIII x37
Scroll of Intellect VIII x34
Scroll of Recall x2
Scroll of Recall III x4
Scroll of Spirit VIII x10
Scroll of Stamina VIII x34
Scroll of Strength VIII x48
Shimmering Cold-Iron Band
Shimmering Ink x15
Silk Cloth x120
Simple Grinder
Skoll’s Fang
Sky Sapphire x7
Snowfall Ink x3
Sun Crystal x12
Tabard of the Kirin Tor
Thawpelt Sack
The Argent Skullcap
The Darkspeaker’s Footpads
Thorium Ore x4
Thorium Setting x16
Transborean Bracers
Transborean Cover
Transborean Wraps
Troll-hide Bag
Twilight Opal x9
Valonforth’s Remembrance
Veiled Ametrine
Virtuoso Inking Set
Vrykul Bones x25
Wool Cloth x40

Money Restored: 947g 52s 88c

Item(s) Restored:
Beast Lord Handguards
Beast Lord Mantle
Blade of the Empty Void
Blessed Hauberk of Undead Slaying
Blessed Leggings of Undead Slaying
Boots of the Neverending Path
Bracers of the Smothering Inferno
Bronze Tube x10
Chilled Meat x30
Chunk o’ Mammoth x7
Coilfang Armaments x9
Copper Modulator x6
Copper Ore x21
Crescent of Brooding Fury
Crystallized Earth
Crystallized Water x8
Dense Stone x48
Drake-Mounted Crossbow
Drakkari Offerings x98
Emblem of Conquest x16
Emblem of Frost x8
Emblem of Heroism x35
Emblem of Triumph x41
Explosive Decoy x18
Fang of Truth
Fel Iron Bar x20
Fezzik’s Pocketwatch
Frostweave Cloth x5
Gloves of the Dark Exile
Gnomish Army Knife
Gnomish Lightning Generator
Gold Power Core
Handful of Cobalt Bolts x12
Handful of Fel Iron Bolts x5
Hardened Adamantite Bar x6
Heartseeker Scope x3
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x14
Honeymint Tea x3
Horns of the Spurned Val’kyr
Hourglass of the Unraveller
Iceweb Spider Silk x6
Inlaid Mithril Cylinder x2
Interwoven Scale Bracers
Jagged Ice Band
Khorium Ore x12
Mammoth Cutters x754
Mithril Tube x3
Mobius Band
Mote of Earth x4
Mote of Fire x4
Nat Pagle’s Extreme Angler FC-5000
Pauldrons of Concealed Loathing
Poached Emperor Salmon x4
Polished Regimental Hauberk
Primal Earth x20
Primal Fire x14
Rimebane Rifle
Runic Healing Potion x18
Runic Mana Injector x18
Runic Mana Potion x3
Rusted-Link Spiked Gauntlets
Saronite Bomb x56
Saronite Ore
Saronite Razorheads x1494
Savory Deviate Delight x20
Scrapbot Construction Kit x17
Security DELTA Data Access Card
Signet of Bridenbrad
Silver Contact x35
Silver Ore x24
Solid Platinum Band
Solid Stone x2
Sovereign’s Belt
Staff of Trickery
Stained-Glass Shard Ring
Sun Scope x2
Super Healing Potion x40
Tabard of the Ebon Blade
Tabard of the Scarlet Crusade
Terrorshaft Arrow x699
The Fleshshaper
Thorium Widget x7
Tin Ore x32
Trapper’s Shirt
Trespasser’s Boots
Truesight Ice Blinders
Truesilver Bar x3
Truesilver Transformer x2
Ultrasafe Transporter: Toshley’s Station
Volatile Blasting Trigger
Vrykul Bones x162
Winterfin Clam x34
Worm Meat x7
Wormhole Generator: Northrend
Zombie Sweeper Shotgun

Money Restored: 15g 0s 30c

Item(s) Restored:

Money Restored:

Item(s) Restored:
Adamantine Figurine
Aldor Tabard
Arcanite Ripper
Armor Plated Combat Shotgun
Armored Titanium Goggles
Auchenai Key
Band of Frosted Thorns
Battlescar Spirebands
Blessed Legplates of Undead Slaying
Bloodberry Elixir x3
Bolstered Legplates
Borean Leather x12
Breastplate of Jagged Stone
Breastplate of the Solemn Council
Bronze Tube x20
Burning Skull Pendant
Charged Titanium Specs
Chilled Warblade
Choker of the Betrayer
Cloak of Holy Extermination
Cloak of Peaceful Resolutions
Cobalt Bar x11
Cobra Scales x2
Crescent of Brooding Fury
Crusader’s Locket
Crystal Infused Leather x5
Crystallized Air x8
Crystallized Water x3
Dragonflight Great-Ring
Drakkari Offerings x121
Dream Shard x2
Elixir of Ironskin
Emblem of Frost x4
Emblem of Heroism x6
Emblem of Triumph x40
Emerald Choker
Essence of Gossamer
Fel Hide
Fel Iron Bomb x10
Flamewrought Key
Frostguard Drape
Froststeel Tube x2
Frostweave Cloth x33
Frozen Orb
Girdle of the Pallid Knight
Glyph of Revenge
Gnomish Army Knife
Gnomish Lightning Generator
Handful of Cobalt Bolts x12
Handful of Fel Iron Bolts x16
Heavy Frostweave Bandage x20
Icy Dragonscale
Infinite Dust x5
Journeyman’s Backpack
Key of Time
Lavanthor’s Talisman
Lucky Old Sun
Lucky Old Sun
Mead Basted Caribou x18
Mercy’s Hold
Monster Slayer’s Kit
Nat Pagle’s Extreme Angler FC-5000
Nether Dragonscales x9
Onyxian Whelpling
Poached Northern Sculpin
Relic of Ulduar x17
Reservoir Key
Righteous Weapon Coating
Righteous Weapon Coating
Righteous Weapon Coating
Righteous Weapon Coating
Righteous Weapon Coating
Runic Healing Injector x20
Runic Healing Potion x6
Saronite Bomb x95
Savage Saronite Bracers
Savage Saronite Legplates
Savage Saronite Waistguard
Savage Saronite Walkers
Scarab of Isanoth
Scarlet Signet
Scarlet Signet
Seal of the Pantheon
Signet of Bridenbrad
Silver Contact x13
Silver Spade
Solid Platinum Band
Sollerets of Suffering
Sonic Booster
Sphere of Red Dragon’s Blood
Spiced Worm Burger
Squire’s Shirt
Tabard of the Ebon Blade
Tabard of the Wyrmrest Accord
The Darkspeaker’s Iron Walkers
Thick Clefthoof Leather x36
Thorium Widget x2
Titansteel Destroyer
Titansteel Shield Wall
Tracker’s Balanced Knives
Trollkickers
Unsmashable Heavy Band
Vengeance Bindings
Volatile Blasting Trigger x2
Vrykul Bones x84
Warchief’s Legplates of Carnage
Wind Scales x2
Zapthrottle Mote Extractor
Zaxxis Insignia x36
Zombie Sweeper Shotgun

I hate lying to charity workers

Let’s face it, everyone does it. Some charity drive is in full swing, crosses your path and you don’t have the heart to say “no” flat out; I guess it’s in our nature as humans to both suppress and embrace our inner douchebag.

I mean, it’s not like we all personally hate the idea of charities fulfilling their intended purposes but it’s really not by any stroke of bad luck that we go “sorry, I don’t have any change” or “i’m really busy right now but i’ll check out your website when I get home” or “i’ve just had my prostate and testicles removed and my doctor has discouraged me from reaching into my pant pockets so if you want me to donate you’ll have to help me carefully remove my pants and extract my wallet from them and then help me carefully put my pants back on”.
These are all pretty lame excuses but at the heart of it all we’re just trying to avoid having to say “look, I have nothing against your organisation but we as first-world borne citizens of the free world have been taught our entire lives, by people with vested interests in our success, to not be altruistic and to strive against all odds to hang on to what is ours.”

There’s no point hiding it anymore, so let’s take turns admiting it:
My name is Simon and i’m a douchebag.

NO UPDATES! HOLY SHIT I GOTTA WRITE SOMETHING! GAY PORN MAILING LIST!

Well what can I write here to break the uncanny silence imposed by whatever the fuck is going on that masquerades as laziness?

Well; a few days ago I got sent a nigerian scam letter from a woman claiming to be from the ivory coast so I replied by sending a picture of Tank Abbott and a copy of my critically acclaimed short story “Wang Justice”. That wasn’t my original plan but I got bored with my original plan; in pursuit of my original plan “gay porn mailing list” entered my google search history. I haven’t cleared my search history yet, I only ever do so about twice a year since i’m not really paranoid about it being found out people really won’t find out anything interesting from it that they don’t already know, it’s not exactly a huge secret that I really really like pornography, in fact the only real difference that seperates pornography from art is that I like it. But the thing that may strike investigators as a suprise would be the phrase “gay porn mailing list” so i’d like to state for the record right now that I am not a gay porn afficianado and I do not typically sign myself up to receive updates about explicit man-on-man relations.

It feels good to put that in public writing; interestingly enough “gay porn mailing list” isn’t such an exciting search term to browse, part of my decision to abandon my original plan (re: nigerian scam letter) was the fact that I could not promptly find a gay porn mailing list to use as part of my scheme within 4 clicks, 4 clicks is pretty much all the effort I traditionally spend on recreational google searches to use as part of any scheme designed only to give me a cheap thrill. I guess people whose email addresses I do have can take solace in the fact that I am unable to find my own gay porn mailing list, in fact i’m not that great at finding gay porn full stop; my previous curiosity regarding gay porn in 720p was in fact not satisfied by a search of my own. I guess it’s not unreasonable to assume that my subconcious and latent homophobia have linked arms to create a barrier between me and the image of multiple young black thugs enjoying the other’s taut and masculine flesh while they take turns pounding each other in the sphincter - in HD.

This article contains exactly 420 words. I’d like to see you assholes do that.

SON OF WANG 8: I’m drunk and writing this on the spot wihtout any forethrought

Continuing on from where i was that then; the parking lot was so wide in my vision it would almost seem as though the world was widening. It was so wide that when it sits around the house it literally sits around the house; but it’s the world i’m talking about so that makes it okay.

I popped a mint into my mouth and began crunching on the hard tablet; so impatient I was to enjoy the flavour explosion, but that’s besides the point at hand. I have to track down my father.

I took off down the road as briskly as I could, knowing my father and his crackhead-like store of physical energy, I would have to go steadily, not at a sprint. I followed the ever widening space between drops of blood away from the sunset; or was it that the sunset was moving away from me? I don’t care and neither should you. As I continued along at my ever more desperate pace my long john became manlier and manlier. I feared that soon it would overwhelm my being and I would become nothing more than a massive dick, but I digress.

I was becoming tired continuing down the road and across the street until I came to the place where gay people meet; they saw my giant rocket and wouldn’t you know, they became frightened as cats and buried their heads in the snow.

The end.

Or is it?

No it’s not

SON OF WANG: Part 7

I was standing in the hospital hallway wide eyed and adjusting my pants when my vision faded to white and with it, my feelings of shock and urgency.

Hallucinations or daydreams have begun to kick in it would appear, but what am I seeing now? Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? I’m seeing white and I feel as though I’m on my back, the sky is layered with clouds and my head seems to be on fire - no wait, maybe It only feels like it’s on fire – upon feeling my head with my right hand; no, my head is not on fire.

Propping myself up with my right arm I didn’t see any robotic alien walkers or smoke trail residue or interior walls for that matter. I almost began to wonder where I was but the feeling of concrete chips stinging my buttocks reassured me I was nestled in the safe environs of a suburban parking lot frequented by the homeless and the sick; the sun was setting and there looked to be no vehicles and no people nearby.
Turning my head back I see the hospital with all doors and glass panes intact and began to wonder what it was I thought I saw and how the hell I got from in there to out here.

The obvious action to take would be to go back inside and see what went on and so I did do that; I did that like it was the right thing to do because doing that was the only thing I could think of doing and if I didn’t know how to do any different then it couldn’t possibly be wrong to do, right? Well in retrospect, it was the right thing to do.
Pushing open the door, the feelings of urgency reawakened when I saw a wide blood smear 4 feet from the door the changing shade of orange as my eyes darted up it’s length suggested it originating from somewhere down the hall. Hospital staff was nowhere to be seen and no patients either for that matter, which was odd, seeing as how I could easily walk behind the unattended counter and start making toll calls; luckily for them I resisted that impulse and decided to follow the blood smear down the hall.
Past rooms filled with covered beds and beeping grey boxes, the blood smear ended at a mess of red and orange droplets right outside my father’s room, where I’d fallen and couldn’t get back up, I took off my shirt and looked at the back of it; the long fingers of dried blood confirmed to me that I’d been dragged from this spot to where I regained consciousness in the parking lot, still, there was no medical staff in sight and I hadn’t seen any on the way over from the front door. I looked to the vending machine; the glass was shattered and all the sandwiches were gone. I smelled a confusing medley of smells coming from the room; a combination of blood and other fluids, alongside my curiosity and against my better judgement; I investigated.

I looked to the bed; it was empty. My father was gone.
I looked to the foot of the bed; motionless bodies of uniformed medical staff.
I looked closer; it appears that they all died with crushed skulls, broken spines and severe swelling of the torso.

From almost outside my field of vision, a man rushed me and pinned me to the wall. His eyes were wide as breath mints and when he talked his breath smelled like breath mints.

“HE KILLED THEM! HE KILLED THEM ALL!”
“What the fuck? Get off me you poorly dressed…
Hrmm… what’s a funny thing to call someone who smells like breath mints?
…Pine tree!”
“NO! NO! NO! YOU HAVE TO LISTEN!”
I struggled
“Let go of me.”
”HEY!”
“WHAT?”
“LISTEN!”

He pressed a gun into my meaty flank.

“I’m listening.”
He pulled the gun away
“You’re the boy; yes… You’re his boy; the boy with the fire hydrant in his pants yes. Do you know what he’s done?”
”Well yeah, I may have a fairly good idea; he ‘killed them, killed them all’?”
“He’s gone… Can’t you see? He’s out there and he- He’ll do… He’ll do again, he’ll do again what he did to them.”
Looking to the bodies on the ground, the man burst into tears.
“Alright man, pull yourself together; let me go and I’ll go find him”
“And… and then what?”
“I don’t know… It’s hard to think; I don’t know what I’ll do but I have to find him.”
“Will you m-make him stop?”
“I don’t know, but I’m his son; I might be the only one who can”
He releases me
“You’re right… You’re right.”
“Can you help me? What’s your name?”
“My name is Jack Jackson.”
“Ok Jack, let’s go.”

I begin walking away towards the entrance when Jack says something.

“NO!
I turn around and see Jack pointing his pistol towards his head.
… I’VE SEEN TOO MUCH.”

With a mighty bang, Jack was gone forever.

With great astonishment, I walked over to where his lifeless body lay and kneeled down beside him. I opened my mouth; I said only two words.

“Thanks Jack”

With that I looted his body, taking away with me his wallet, gun and box of breath mints.
With a gun in my hand and a mouth full of fresh breath, I walked out into the empty sunset streets.

I’m moderating the crap out of this post.

Hello god damn.

You may be wondering what the hell i’m doing here; but you know what? So am I.
There’s a very underrated concept coming to mind when I scroll down the page, in the outside world people refer to this concept as “QC”. This is mostly because people are either lazy or live in harsh desert environments where it is important to preserve your internal moisture by minimising breathing, perspiration and open-mouthed talking as saying what QC stands for in full would cause you to lose approximately 0.0013 cc of moisture over simply saying QC, considering how much i’m going to use the acronym QC in this here article that would add up to a fairly significant amount of water, bile, blood and trace urine you will have saved up if you were to read this post out loud over the hypothetical post containing QC in it’s exploded (expanded) form.

QC does quite a bit more than simply providing a topic with which to surround with cryptic paragraphs; here’s a few things that QC has done for us:
- Regulated the amount of rodent faeces food ingredients may be exposed to in storage
- Limited the maximum length of time frozen units of sperm may be stored for
- Blocked the release of horrible non-franchise computer games in non-holiday periods
- Blocked the release of Son of Wang: Parts 7-99
- Blocked the release of Son of Wang: The Illustrated Series
- Blocked the release of Son of Wang: The Movie
- Blocked the release of pictures of my own wang

And therein lies the point of QC. Self-censorship in some ways but in many other ways applying a buttplug to the anus that wants to shit all over the concept of good taste.
But on the other hand, too much QC can be bad; take for instance all the excellent and promising TV shows Fox has cancelled over the years but then again some could argue that intelligent QC would have saved those shows leading us to the conclusion that Fox QC is backwards in nature working to preserve the shit in which case it’s not QC at all.

So let’s all come together and QC intelligently and QC alot. But not too much.

QC

NOTE:
Son of Wang: Parts 7-99/The Illustrated Series/The Movie do not exist and never will. Pictures of my own wang do not exist -to my knowledge- but may one day exist or may already exist. My own wang does exist.

Nostalgia sucks

I remember playing this game on Sega Master System more than a decade ago, my cousin rented it from United Video;

I remember it being a pretty fun game; the gameplay was simplistic and character selection small (4 characters) but being that at the time we were obsessively playing the far more complex and skill testing Mortal Kombat, it was a refreshing change. But that’s all besides the point, what’s wrong with the game? On the cover image, the fat guy is about to deliver a fatal crotch punch. Nostalgia sucks.

Paladin stuff in wotlk

Loflk, here’s another beta post.

So let’s recap; one of my character copies was my paladin, Octavio. On the live realms; a prot paladin covered in epics. Here he is chilling in Shattrath:

But… he’s not Octavio anymore. That’s the beta realm he’s standing around in; having been forced to get a name change, his name is Bonder. LOFL

But anyway, upon logging in I found that all my talent points had been refunded. So I wasted no time in taking advantage of this. After making the rounds picking up new talents and swapping gear into my bags, I headed off to Vengeance Landing and put on my clown suit;
Continue reading Paladin stuff in wotlk…