Life Outside PLT1

SON OF WANG : Part 1

The weather did not look down mercifully the day I left to visit my father in hospital. The thunderstorm drew lines down my face where water seeped through the holes in my shitty umbrella; it belonged to my dad who used to repeatedly tell me “don’t you dare lose that umbrella; I once killed a man who tried to take it from me. That’s not just an umbrella, it’s a trophy.” How ironic it is that such past misadventures have brought their VENGEANCE upon him. Years of pelvic abuse, using his pocket rocket as a tool for execution of social JUSTICE have landed him in hospital with an injured wang, how HEROIC.

From the parking lot, to the waiting room, to the front desk; each step squished on my wet shoes and squeaked upon contact of wet rubber to waxy hospital floor.

“I’m here for a visit; the patient is here with a, err… Pelvic trouble”

The receptionist seemed unimpressed with my talent for devising euphemism;

“Injured wang” I said.
“Oh, I know the one. Your relation to the patient?”
“Son.”

Once inside the room, a nurse opened the curtains of my father’s chamber.

“Turn off the lights”
Said the voice from the bed from behind the green fabric screen.
“They’re not lights, it’s daytime. Idiot”
“BULLSHIT! YOU TELL LIES, YOU FILTHY- Oh, you’re right.”

With that, the nurse left the room.

“Dad?”
“YEAH SON, WHAT’S UP?”
Crude words; coming from an insane parent who rudely awoke to a visitor call.
“Not your wang, that’s for sure”
“BULLSHIT! ME AND THAT NURSE WERE JUST ABOUT TO PORK.”

Unfortunately, he speaks loudly enough to be heard from the next room.

“We are not going to pork”
A hilarious and discouraging reply; I make a mental note to get that nurse’s number when I leave.
“You were saying? ‘Father?’”

I always spoke the word “father” with such venomous overtones; as a child it was made clear to me that I was adopted. Instances such as the occurrences of the present made me feel glad for it.

“Nothing really, I asked you to come around to tell you something about the family.”
He seemed to have calmed down.
“What about the family?”
“You’re about to achieve your family heritage”
“Heritage? What exactly do you mean by that?”
“Our bloodline, you fuck. Our family is descended from the great Wanglorr; first among disciples to the glorious and fruitful wang god!”
“Oh, for pete’s sake-“
“SHUT UP BOY! This is serious, the gift of the wang god to Wanglorr is this; that any male child descended of his bloodline shall, when his father reaches the age of 30, receive ‘the embiggening’”
“Embiggening? What the fuck?”
“You know, I turn 30 this afternoon, boy”
“Oh yeah, shit; happy birthday you wangless old fuck”
“I GOT A WANG YOU DUMBASS LITTLE SHIT! AND AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE, ME AND THAT NURSE ARE GOING TO PORK!”

Once again, from the other room;
“We are not going to pork.”

Unphased, my father continued to speak;

“The embiggening, boy, is this: for the next 5 days you will wake up with a wang larger than before. Until finally; it’s as thick as a basketball and longer than a golf club.”
“Well, that’s all good and well ‘dad’; but I’m not of the bloodline you spoke of. I’m adopted, remember?”
Good god, who didn’t see that response coming from a mile away?
“Nah that was just a lie I told you because you’re a worthless son and I hate you”
Shocker.
“You mean… We’re related? For… Real?”
“YA RLY”

I paused for a moment, stunned into silence by the heavy news that had just dropped onto me. That man sitting before me wearing a derogatory t-shirt over his hospital gown, with a gigantic tubular thing emerging from his pelvis, covered in soiled bandages… My father…

“FUCK!”

FINALLY IT’S HERE!

WANG VENGEANCE (Revised Edition), by Sicopath
Warning: May contain mature themes, offensive language and far too many inside jokes.

So yeah, I was out on my morning jog beating down along the turbulent, windswept stretch of gravel we can vaguely describe as a street of some sort; like usual because I like to show of mah sexy body to teh ladies. Today it looked like it was going to rain, so I decided to bring an umbrella with me.

Well, I was too fucking right. It did rain and it fucking pissed down like the better part of the holy testament. I opened up the umbrella, mightily so, but refusing to be restrained, my huge tallywaker fumingly and angrily burst out the side of my pants much like a shark would burst out of deep waters. I know what you’re thinking, and no, they don’t make underpants that large. So there I stood in the rain while “Shai Huluud”(my penis LOL) was poking out beyond the protection of the umbrella getting beaten down by a deluge of pesky, watery crap not unlike rain.

When out of nowhere, some little punk shoots past me, stealing my umbrella as he goes. And now i’m pissed off, I give the little shit a warning “YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN YOU QUEEN OF FLAMING CIGARETTES AND BY CIGARETTE WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS FAG!” then I drop my pants and raise my huge caged tiger from the majestic land of cheese, with water falling across my long, silky hair. I gather myself forcefully and let loose with the fury of a thousand of our tainted forefathers, materialized as a mighty focused stream of gold-coloured justice. It flew through the air and tagged the thief with it’s Midas touch of sweet, golden death, the thief was knocked off his feet ever so violently.

I caught up the thief just as my snake was fully charmed to it’s most glorious prestige and so I picked up my huge, throbbing howitzer in both my hands and used it to beat the punk to death with massive golf-club type swings. As the last of his life escaped the battered shell of human flesh, I swear I saw god in his eyes giving me the pelvic thrust; “Rawr! Rawr!” I knew then that through my awesome power I had become one with life and death, but all I wanted to do now was play with my joystick.

And by “play with my joystick” what I really meant was repeated and vigorous masturbation. And so I did. And it was good.

SO VERY GOOD.

Wang Vengeance delayed

I have the fucking flu. This is debilitating, add to this the deluge of work and fuckshit I have to get through, don’t expect to see it soon.

Not to mention that i’m slowly growing to hate certain people; I doubt the ones involved know half a shit what i’m referring to but it’s there.

On the off-chance you do know who you are; fuck you you worthless sliver of cancer. I want you to eat a bag of AIDS and die.

This is how I feel and this is my excuse for not writing a story about giant phalluses for you sacks of shit. I’m going to sleep for a few hours.

You guys are pathetic sacks of shit. CONTINUED…

Exhibit B:

“WANG HEROIC” - a short story by Sicopath.
Warning - may contain mature themes, offensive language and far too many inside jokes.

Well today, I was walking home after working out at the gym when I spied a building on fire several blocks ahead of me.
Feeling helpful and energetic after my workout, I tore open my shirt revealing my ripped masculine physique.

Slowly and methodically, I jogged leisurely towards the pillar of smoke, brushing aside trucks, phone booths and elephants using the strength provided by my massive biceps.
When I got there, the fire was in full bloom with bystanders encircling the scene like a bonfire at the seaside. I yelled, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU PRISSY LITTLE VEGETABLE SODOMIZERS!” and barged headfirst through the panicking crowd.

Now I stood in front of the burning complex and pulled out my gigantic penis. It was big as a log. Straining and concentrating all energy into my pelvis, I began to sweat and heat up until suddenly a massive stream of urine came gushing out of my hulk of a tallywacker, the stream was strong, windows shattered, doors were splintering off their charred frames and escapees from the flames ran headfirst into a deluge that shreded skin from skeleton. I was unstoppable.

So there I stood before a broken, ramshackle, piss-soaked complex surrounded by skeletons. I stood there for several minutes with my penis brushing the dirt and hands proudly at my hips, when all of a sudden a hot babe appears out of nowhere.

I popped a boner and it killed the entire town.

THE END.

You guys are pathetic sacks of shit.

Seriously, god damn.

Is this what you fuck ups consider to be content? I mean, shit… If I wanted to read a back and forth e-penis banter, i’d write one myself.

Want to see some content? I’ll show you something…

Exhibit A:

“WANG JUSTICE” - a short story by Sicopath.
Warning: May contain offensive themes, mature language and far too many inside jokes.

So yeah, there I was minding my own bussiness, kicking back on a park bench, reading some erotic Sesame Street fan fiction that I downloaded on my P-P-P-Powerbook. It was a lovely sunlit morning so I decided to jack it.

I unzipped my pants and my huge tree-trunk sized skinwhip rolled furiously out of my pants, crushing a picnic basket. I apologised to the picnickers and lifted my wang so they could salvage whatever and move on.

Unfortunately, I must have gotten some mayonaise smeared on my wang from the basket-crushing because some old bitch was led over to my massive beat-head by some little poodle thingy attached to the woman by a piece of twine. The poodle leapt onto my wang and began licking the delicious sauce.

Now, I had nothing against having my cock licked by a poodle, but the old hag was in my field of vision, preventing me from getting even a shadow of a boner to jack off to my erotic Sesame Street fanfiction so I got angry! I yelled out “BITCH! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU INDIAN HOUSEWIFE!” this didn’t go over well with the woman, as she began cursing at me, I don’t remember what exactly happened next but I ended up holding the poodle by the hind legs and smacking the old hag across the face with the stupid mutt.

The old woman was now on the ground face-up, with a mighty heave I lifted one of my boulder-esque testicles, the last thing the woman heard was “good night” as I dropped my testicle on her head, crushing her skull and killing her immediately.

FATALITY.