Life Outside PLT1

Closing time. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

Ok, I had a M:TG project going for a little while, revolving around a very stupid combination of cards.

The aim of the project was to build a deck that would exploit Transguild Courier to hurt people very muchly and make them go WTF.

In layman’s terms; Transguild Courier + Might of the Nephilim = sex

This was an excercise in “flippant deck design” and initial designs had very little regard for fundamentals such as “mana curve” and basically consisted of whatever cards I had on hand that I thought was “cool”. Then the design went through a stage where I basically said “fuck it” and ran the thing as “free wins” just to experiment with building a manabase in blue and green; colours with which i’ve had least experience playing.

Lastly, I poached the “somewhat acceptable” manabase of free wins to revive the transguild courier project which left me with a “sometimes effective, often consistent” deck which earned itself a fair amount of “lol whut?” in the time that i’ve played it.

Anyhow, the deck will be dismantled now; since it’s hogging 60 card sleeves, most of my good counterspells and my Carven Caryatid playset; all of which could find better homes in other decks.

As an indication that yes, the project is truly over and i’ll not touch the thing ever again; not even with a shit covered divining rod, i’m going to post the decklist.

Creatures (15)
—
4 Boreal Druid
4 Carven Caryatid
4 Transguild Courier
3 Cytospawn Shambler

Other spells (25)
—
3 Sleight of Hand
3 Utopia Sprawl
4 Might of the Nephilim
3 Muddle the Mixture
4 Rune Snag
4 Infiltrator’s Magemark
4 Repeal

Lands (20)
—
8 Island
12 Forest

I guess I need a new project then.

No, I don’t want suggestions since you all eat dicks for dinner.

LAN…

*NB* This was the email that I sent out.. sorry to those who didn’t get it but i’m not sure of everyones email address’s. Best to message me on IRC or ask someone who should know if you want more details.
So I’ve decided I’m going to have a LAN at my place these holidays. Nothing special, but if I were to have drinks then one of them would spill and it would be a red one

It’ll be on Tuesday 5th September (unless this is inconvenient for too many people and then I’ll probably move it to the Thursday).

10 am - 10 pm.

Please bring $10 in cash (approx), as this will help guarantee that we have enough money to pay for food to eat.

Things to bring will include the usual. Computer + accessories, network cable (the longer the better), lanning toys etc. And games if you have them and don’t mind other people installing them. Also I might end up bugging a couple of you guys to bring fold-up tables, but we will see how it goes.

Invite is pretty much open. Just if you can give me a rough idea if you are going to come would be good so I can work out if I got enough table spacing

This post is useful.

Look at this… Expect it… Cherish it… Take it into the toilet and wipe with it…

It’s…

SON OF WANG: Part 5

I wouldn’t claim to be illiterate, mute, or terminally handicapped unless it were a situation that could result in free parking; but where are the words? Where are the words right now for this specific situation? Nothing to say, nothing to think on, nothing to write home about; likely because the person reading it at home would be my mother who has probably already heard whatever it is I had to say.

But let’s look on the bright side, I’m a circus freak being mind-controlled by hypnotic messages sent to me by the ghost of my dead grandfather who is currently inhabiting my pork-chop-prodder by diabolical means. From here one could think that things couldn’t possibly get any worse; no way in hell, nowhere from here but upwards, bring on the good times because the next thing to happen to me will surely be a good one.

So naturally, my nose starts bleeding.

Down over my upper lip, curving and pooling at the front of my mouth.

“I can’t believe it!” I said, spitting nose blood all over the room like some sort of violent arterial spray.
“Yeah son, me either… I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER!”

I see that sometime during my lengthy and blank musing, my father had gotten up and bought a sandwich from a vending machine in the hallway.

“How can you eat? Damn it, you really are a douchetard!” I accused, spraying nose blood ALL OVER THE ROOM like a skunk trying to put out a fire.

My father threw his now blood-soaked sandwich out the open window, looked at me and began to speak;

“Well what do you want me do? Let me save you the trouble of asking; there’s absolutely nothing I can do for you. And you also owe me $3.50”
“Well if you can’t help me, then tell me someone who can!”
“Good motherfucking luck finding an exorcist who specialises in genital possession. The sandwich was what I was referring to earlier, you owe me $3.50 for another sandwich.”
“Well, what then? I can’t go on like this forever. My pelvic brick isn’t normal. It should be normal. I should be normal!”
“Well firstly, the $3.50. Then my suggestion would be to carry on, carry on like nothing really matters.”
“It’s too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body aching all the time.” What the fuck just happened?

I realised what was going on.

“Fuck you dad.”
“Damn it! We were just getting to the good part!”
“Sure, I’ll go ahead sing the next bit; ‘goodbye everybody, I have to go. Leave you all behind and face the truth.’”

At this stage, I blood-drippingly left the room while my father was in the middle of singing “mama”.

“HEY! WHAT ABOUT THAT $3.50?”

Distracted, I slipped on a drop of my own nose blood and knocked my head on the polished floor. For the next hour, I was without consciousness.

In the darkness of my mind, I heard a voice.

< Grandson! >
< Huh? Hey, whoa… What’s up with my voice? >
< We’re below consciousness you shit! You don’t speak with your mouth right now. >
< Oh, that’s just bloody great. While I’m here, let me get a few things straight, you’re really my grandpa? >
< Yes >
< And you’re really haunting my peener? >
< Yes >
< So right now I’m having a conversation with my crotch monster? >
< Damn it boy…> Without seeing it, I can tell he did a face-plant… As well as a ghost could, at least.

Slowly, images began to fade into view. I saw a person; crossed between Ron Jeremy and Condolezza Rice. A man, tall, slim and neatly dressed in a white tuxedo… Sure was ugly though.

< Well? Aren’t you happy to see you grandpa? >
< I’d rather not. That would imply that I prefer this to seeing the real world with my physical eyes. But let’s chat anyway. Why are we here? No, let’s start from the beginning… What’s the deal with you? >
< Me? Well… My name is Shake-zula, the mic ruler, the old schooler- >
< Ok, enough! For fucks sake, are all the men in our family like this? >
< Only the good looking ones. >
< You’re hideous. >
< … Shut up.>

So far, things have been shaping up for a pretty fucking amazing inside-mind experience. In fact, the only way it could get better is if I died.

< Well, goodbye for now boy. We’ll speak again soon.>

What her meant by that is that unfortunately I hadn’t died. So I woke up.

Card games are overrated

Magic the Gathering Tournament:
Approximate Date: Week 7, first week back after holidays

Possible categories:
- Standard (T2) Constructed, market value limit of approx. $75
- Standard (T2) Constructed, peasant
- Standard (T2) Draft
- Standard (T2) Constructed 2-Headed Giant, peasant
- Standard (T2) Draft 2-Headed Giant
- Standard (T2) Constructed Free Wins
- Legacy (T1) Constructed - open to Whangarei Residents Only

This tournament is open to all PLT1 members (that incredibly loosely defined collective of people) who play Magic.

For a standard non-draft tournament I was thinking:
You have one week (week 7) to play 3 matches against any other player within the group that you haven’t played before.
You have the right to decline up to 3 challenges per day. You may only challenge a player once.
Hmmm… this needs thinking about.
Rules subject to change with notice.

Deck Construction Rules:

Standard (T2):
Only cards from the following sets may be used:
Kamigawa Block (Champions, Betrayers, Saviours)
Ravnica Block (Ravnica, Guildpact, Dissension)
Coldsnap Expansion
9Th Edition Core Set

Constructed:
Minimum of 60 cards, maximum of 4 of any non-basic land card.

Draft:
Minimum deck of 40 cards, NO limit on the numbers of any card in the deck.

Peasant:
You may only have up to 5 Uncommons in your deck, and the rest must be commons.

2-Headed Giant:
You play as a team, and in constructed you may only have 4 of each card between you.

Free Wins:
Your deck must be playable, and have a cohesive strategy. At the same time you must play to win, but the winner of the tournament is the loser.

Entry Rules:
You may enter the same deck into both Peasant Constructed, and Peasant 2-Headed Giant Constructed.
You may not enter a deck into Free Wins that has been entered into any other category.

Complete rules available at: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dci/doccenter/home

Banned cards:
Umezawa’s Jitte
Zephyr Spirit

Hmmm, I really need to think about this some more. But anyway, give me your input please.

To date, with highly randomised surveying of the extensive pool of PLT1 MtG players, Peasant Constructed seems to be the most popular choice, followed by 2-Headed Giant Peasant Constructed, Free Wins, and 2-Headed Giant Draft.

God and his penis. And a 4,500 year old tree.

I came to an interesting realisation today: If God is male, he must have a penis. Apparently this is most upsetting to Christians; for some reason it just isn’t right to contemplate God and his infinitely large penis. Of course if God is omnipresent then his penis must be infinite in size, or at least be of indefinable length. It also raises this issue (if you can call it an issue): Before the beginning of the universe there was a man, this man also happened to have a penis along with infinite time (time in the human sense): this begs the question, what did this man do with his penis? I mean if man is modeled on God, (That then begs the question where do women fit into all of this? Was God also a Woman? Hermaphrodite perhaps?) and we all know what 90% of men do it would most likely make God the biggest wanker ever to exist or have existed. This would also mean that penises have always existed and that they will always exist: They are timeless. I do not mean to cause any offence with this; I am just trying to point out the absurdity of assigning a gender to God. If you wish to call God a male you have to accept his package(s) as well.

That’s it for my first entry. May there be many more!