Life Outside PLT1

Son of Wang: Part 6

PS. Black Mesa is a gungan minority.

Ok, here you go you sacks of mud which smell strangely like poo:

SON OF WANG: PART 6

I was woken up rather rudely, the thumping inside my head in perfect sync with the thump my wallet made as it was tossed onto my chest. My eyes peeked open to see the only man I know of who dares carry around samples of his own urine;

“Vending machines” he said,
wearily, I replied; “did that nurse finally agree to pork with you? How long was I out for – a million years?”
“I was hungry you illegitimate bastard child”
“I wasn’t aware you could eat condoms”
“Well you know what you pathetic sack of miniature flying fucks? I’m not the one here lying on a hospital floor wearing a gigantic boner ripping through the front side of his pants as though he were surrendering to American troops.”

I lowered my head to see and unsuprisingly, it was true. I tucked my flagpole back into what was left of my pants, sighed and welcomed myself back to reality.

“By the way, aliens are invading.”

I forced a wry expression onto my face and slid my wallet onto the floor beside me. As I arched myself forward I began to hear a distant rumbling. With little warning, the ground jolted violently, skipping my wallet across the floor to in front of a vending machine which appeared to be selling moist towelettes. Another jolt saw that the machine fell over onto my wallet. A third jolt saw that vending machine exploded in a shower of coins, wallet parts and lemon freshness. To my abject horror; an ominous voice came boomed from outside;

“DESCENDENTS OF WANGLORR! REVEAL YOURSELVES!”

Realising that I wasn’t lied to regarding aliens, I frightfully looked down the hallway in desperation and saw my idiot of a father marching towards the front door carrying a megaphone, I became filled with dread as he stopped metres in front of the door and raised it to his mouth;

“NOT BY THE HAIRS OF MY CHINY-CHIN-CHIN!”

For a tightly spaced sequence of moments silence washed over the entire hospital. Nobody made a move, fearful for their lives – except of course for my father, who stood legs apart, hands resting on his hips and staring down the door with an almost feral determination. He remained still even as the rest of the hospital cowered at the mechanical click that broke the afforementioned silence. The voice boomed again;

“GOODBYE!”

An explosion permeated the front wall of the hospital, introducing a large projectile heading straight for my father; but suddenly the most amazing thing happened – the absolute most amazing thing I ever saw encased in a split second but drenched in a sticky grandeur that surpassed even the greatest action movie that would ever be imagined by anyone (Terminator 2: Judgement Day) – my father’s battering babymaker exploded in size, like the world’s worst airbag, wielding the tree-sized cucumber like a bat, he intercepted the projectile with a mighty punt, propelling it back out and upward towards a place near the middle of eternity.

He ran towards the hole in the wall and began to yell;

“THIS IS MY GUN! IT’S FOR FIGHTING AND FOR FUN!”

Jar Jar Binks was a swedish nigger

self explanatory really.

I had an interesting night

So, for those of you who know me, you know that I have been sobar for almost 2  years now. Not as in, I was an alcoholic and went to rehab, but more along the lines of, eh, i’m over drinking, been and gone etc. Tonight I went to the opening of ATC (Auckland Theatre Company) opening night for a show called The Crucible. Good show, go see it if you have the time and some money.  They had free drinks after the show. w00t. So I had a few dodedodedodedo. As you can imagine after not drinking for 2 years and I need to point out here that my daily intake of food consists of garlic bread, the drinks went to my head. And being Robs friends from this show who are all in theatre, we went out afterwards. To a place called The Supermarket on K-Road. This is the point when people learn I’m actually really naive. Now I am fully aware that there are gay bars out there, but I have never actually been to one. Until tonite that is. Now i’ve never had a problem with gay people, the gay community etc, and I still don’t, but it is still very different to see 2 eyes with tight tight jeans, full erections (which is plainly obvious) grinding against each other only meer centimetres away from you. For me personally, it was an eye opener. More along the lines of, I’m completely comfortable with this, which makes me feel pleased to not be homophobic. So lots of this type of action went on. And I’ve got to say, the boys with their tops off, they may be gay but man! are they cute!. Yummy. One of the more interesting parts of my night was the toilet time. When the drag queen walks out, says “Sorry Love”, smiles at you, yet you walk into the toilet and the seat is up and glitter is all around the place. Hehehehe. But what a great eviroment in general. It’s so relaxed and open and etc. I had such a good time!!

The reason I’m writing this? It’s 4.15am, Rob and I are in his office because we have both had too much to drive home and we are eating pasta snacks to see if it will help sobar us up. Mmmm.. Food!!

Theory Exam

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions ans is intended to indicate whether or not you are what professionals call ’stupid’. The questions are not difficult, so think about them before you read the answer.

Question 1: How do you put an obese person into a refrigerator?

Question 2: How do you put a elephant into a refrigerator?

Question 3: The mayor is holding a gathering at the wild life preserve and, in exchange for a day off work, demands that all animals attend. One animal can not make it, which one?

Question the forth: On the opposite bank of a river inhabited by crocodiles is a tasty cake. How do you get to it?

1. The correct answer is to open the refrigerator and insert the obese person inside before closing the door. This question tests whether or not you do things in an over complicated and/or retarded manner.

2. Wrong answer; open the refrigerator and put the elephant inside before closing the door. The correct answer is to open the refrigerator, remove the obese person and replace them with the elephant before closing the door. This is to test your eye sight and/or your abbility to observe the world as it is outside your head.

3. The correct answer is the elephant. He is in the refrigerator remember? This question is to test your grip on reality and think about the repercussions of your actions. I hope you gave him food and air holes.

Its ok, even if you failed the first three questions there is still a chance that you are not completely retarded.

4. The correct answer is to swim. All the crocodiles are currently being entertained by the mayor. This test your ability to quit before making a compleat ass of yourself.

I hope this cleared any delusions you have about your intelligence and mental state. Have a good day and get off my lawn.

Stuff and Things.

I put my cat on 7chan’s /cat/ board, trawling for macros: heres what i got.

And heres a bunch of picture of us drunk under a street light.

Thats Josh, Me, Simon and peachy. Theres a certain noir quality to it i rather like.

FOLLOW THAT TRUCK!